(note: I am challenging myself to write every day for 30 days. What follows may not necessarily be interesting or even coherent. Parental discretion is advised.)
Shocking news everyone. If you’re a dude, never, ever… EVER take a bath ever again.
Ever!
My eyes have been opened. Today, the (lovely/gorgeous/etc) girlfriend asked me a simple question:
“What’s so great about ice baths?”
And huh… I thought about cold showers and all I could come up with was improved circulation and emotional resilience. You have to admit, it takes some balls (and labia) to stand under a cold shower when we don’t have to. This isn’t a third world country. It ain’t Florida, either. Canada is COLD.
But there are benefits to this kind of ballsy behavior. Emotional resilience is the obvious one, and of course your body is going to be pumping blood something fierce trying to warm itself up and that ends up helping with circulation. However, the almighty Google revealed even more benefits of taking cold showers and ice baths.
It promotes fat loss
According to a group of scientists in white lab coats, no sorry… according to MENPROVEMENT (?) no, ACCORDING to NPR Radio (??) which references the New England Journal of Medicine, goes on to talk about brown fat and how taking a cold shower can “activate” brown fat up to 15 times their normal level. Whatever that means. Racists.
So… fat loss is one other benefit of taking cold showers.
The rest are just as strange. Cold showers can alleviate depression, cold showers can improve skin and hair, cold showers drain the lymphatic system which… kind of sounds kinky; cold showers improve immunity, cold showers … wait for it… can boost fertility.
Boost fertility?!?
This is the part that makes me never want to take a bath again. Look at this… or don’t.. avert your eyes gentlemen, for this will shock and awe and send chills down into your uh… scrotum.
Taking hot baths has been proven to be an effective male contraceptive. Men who took a half hour hot bath every other day for 3 weeks were rendered infertile for the next 6 months!
On top of that, a study at USCF showed that men who stopped taking regular hot baths showed a sperm count increase of up to 491%.
While a hot shower won’t be as devastating on your sperm, it will have an effect. Remember, those testes want to be nice and cool, so if your trying to conceive — do them a favor and opt for cold showers.
Infertile for the next six months? Just for taking a half hour bath every couple of days?
Effective as a male CONTRACEPTIVE?
491% increase in sperm count once the baths stop?
Now.. actually, as terrifying as this all sounds, it’s not a bad idea to be taking hot baths if you are scared to death of getting a girl pregnant and want to save money on buying condoms, but… you’ll have it on your conscience that you’ve lead millions of wiggling sperm tadpole things to their death. Like… lemmings off of a cliff, from deciding to take a hot bath.
Like the quote above advises, you’ll want to keep testes “nice and cool”. This means from now on I will be marketing and designing little ice packs that can be slipped inside underwear for men hoping to conceive. Yes, that is correct. Once I am done writing every day for 30 days, I will go register COLDTESTES.COM and begin putting my focus on getting these things on Kickstarter so I can secure financing to mass produce these ice packs for the testes.
Nobody else is doing it. Might as well be me.
I know, I know. The world needs this. AND FAST.
I have finally stumbled across an idea that is going to be carried in Dollar stores all over the nation, from coast to coast. It will have “boost your fertility up to 491%!” on the front of the package. Then, it’ll have a sticky strip so after it chills in the freezer, you can simply take it out and slap it onto your package to keep it nice and cool the rest of the day. It’ll be as easy and normal as putting on deodorant. Every man needs one of these.
Thank you Fola. I think I’ve found our multi-million dollar idea.
We’ve done it.
Don’t tell anyone until I get this figured out.
